Fear of Authenticity

Have you ever gone back and re-read a journal? Or a blog post from time past? I have and it can be a really interesting little excursion down memory lane. God set me off on a journey of knowing Him more deeply about 12 years ago. It's been an incredibly wild ride, to be sure - one filled with incredible highs, gut-wrenching lows, and times of "normalcy" (if there really is such a thing). The past three years have been exceptionally interesting as the foundation He laid in knowledge became my functional reality. I never thought that I would be able to comfortably say "I have worth and value, and I'm enough right now, even with all the flaws I can see and the ones I can't but know are there." Believing that I'm okay, that I'm enough, gives me freedom to be who God created me to be without apology and to explore all that He might have for me.

And even in that, there is still a fear of authenticity. I'm able to feel how different I am from years past. Oh, don't get me wrong I'm still me, but my way of processing and seeing things is much more mature. But even knowing that I'm free to be me, that who I am is enough, there is still a nagging fear deep down that who I am really might prove to be problematic. What if people don't like who I really am? I don't mean the random Joe off the street. I could care less if people I don't know like me. It's the people I love the deepest that I get scared of losing. As I continue to embrace who God made me to be and explore things more fully, what if the people I love most don't really like who I am and drop me like a hot potato?

Talk about a mind job from the enemy, right?! Fear is such a rate limiter in my life. I've let fear of the unknown, the "what if," control me on many occasions. Honestly, some fears do happen, but many don't. And those that have come to fruition have all been handled by a loving God. I'm still here, still standing, still growing. I do not want to let fear dictate what I will/will not do. Will I fail at times? Good gracious, of course. Do I need to fear failure? No. God's grace is sufficient. And hopefully those in my life who do truly love me will extend grace and keep on loving me anyway. So I take a deep breath and I walk forward, trusting Jesus more than anything and staying the course of following Him in all that I do.

What about you? What do you fear that causes you to struggle with walking forward? With embracing who God created you to be and wholly seeking His face?