Let me know redemption wins...

Today I cried myself to work, all nine miles of my commute. This morning I dropped my sobbing son off at school, kissed him goodbye, and watched the principal escort him to his class. I won't see him again until Wednesday - he'll be at his dad's for Christmas.

This isn't the first Christmas I've spent without him. In fact, other than his first two Christmases, this has been our life. Once his dad and I separated we had to share the day. Because of Isaiah's disability when the day falls near his dad's weekend and too many transitions would be more harmful than good He stays at his dad's. That's been the past two years.

There are far worse things that could be happening in my life. I know that so many people are suffering with a first Christmas where a lost child will not be seen again this side of heaven. I know that the odds are that on Wednesday morning he'll come home and we'll have our Christmas a day late. We'll have fun and laugh and today's pain will be forgotten.

What I also know is that it's okay to feel how I feel. A wise counselor once told me that just because someone else has a broken leg doesn't mean that my broken arm doesn't hurt. I don't use this pain as an entitlement for selfishness, but I surely do acknowledge that it's here and cry out to God for comfort, for myself and for my sweet son who would much rather mom and dad had stayed married and going between two very different places wasn't part of his life.

And God is merciful. When I hurt this much and the tears flow unabated I've learned to worship. For me, I can let out the pain and let the words of truth settle over me, and let my Father hold me. Worn by Tenth Avenue North played and I cried.

"Let me know redemption wins, let me know the struggle ends, that you can mend a heart that's frail and torn. I want to know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life and all that's dead inside can be reborn... 'Cause I'm worn."

The end the song to me today really was a prayer; "Heaven come and flood my eyes." And God, who is merciful, turned my tear-streaked face to Him. The next song was Lamb of God, a statement of who God is and my freedom to come before Him.

"So I'll come broken through
The blood of Your son
And I'll kneel before You

You are holy
You are worthy
You are holy
You're the Lamb of God"

I pulled into the office parking lot, dried my tears, and went in to start my day. Though my heart is sad I'm comforted that God knows and cares. My sadness may be insignificant to other people who are dealing with far worse things, but it's not insignificant to God. He is holy, He is worthy. He is the Lamb of God.