Failing Well

I have serious Type A tendencies. I work really hard and I like to do really well. Unfortunately, I also have perfectionist tendencies. God has been working on that in me quite a bit. Being the merciful God He is, He's allowed me to have good season of mostly successes. Any failures or inconsistencies have been minor.

Until yesterday. Yesterday I had an epic failure. It was entirely my fault and I got called out on it big time.

When "the talk" happened (the one where I was told I messed up) I felt my stomach knot up and the blood drain from my face. I was literally physically ill for a moment. Then there was embarrassment. Embarrassment because it was something I should have known better than to do and allow. Embarrassment because someone who is just getting to know me, someone with whom I have no relational equity, got an impression of me that really doesn't reflect my heart. 

Everything in me hit overdrive, fight-or-flight, and fix-it-at-all-costs mode. My heart was racing. My eyes welled up with tears (thank you Jesus for doors that close!). My mind began racing to fix, fix, fix. Except there was no way to do anything other than say I'm sorry, I'll take care of it. I was told there would be more conversation, but it couldn't happen that day.

Oh, God. What do you mean we can't resolve this RIGHT NOW?! For me, in these situations, I'm much happier at the person I upset figuratively kicking me in the gut, allowing me to make the needed changes, and then moving on. To have to wait even two hours to have a conversation I know is coming is torture to me.

So for the past 24 hours I've been living in this tension.

But remember that merciful God? Within seconds of everything in me going haywire, He reminded me that (a) I will fail and (b) I was still okay. This mistake doesn't affect who I am. I messed up. Yes, it was fairly epic and really visible. But I am still okay. I am still enough. Nothing about who I am changed. I reached out to people who know me well to ask for prayer. My bestie reminded me this was not earth shattering. I took a deep breath... It was time to walk through what God has carefully taught me - about my identity, about Himself, about failing well. So walk I do, even when embarrassment makes me feel like crawling under a rock to hide. I walk forward, fighting back with truth against emotions that want to drag me into the lie. And I trust the Creator of heaven and earth to hold on to me tightly as I experience failing well.