An apology to all the men I know

I'm reading a book on shame. Well, specifically, overcoming shame. It's a good book and much of it resonates with me. The author, Brene Brown - famous for her TED talks - discusses her more than a decade of research on shame. There are a lot of good things in there and I started reading it out of interest and as a source for a project I'm working on with a friend.

I didn't expect God to use a section of a chapter to completely undo me.

But He did.

The section is on how men experience shame. I'd been able to keep an emotional distance from the text, even the parts that resonated with me. But this part? Oh. My. Word. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I saw blatant sin. Sin in our culture with regard to how we treat men, sin with regard to how we acculturate our boys, and - worst of all - sin in my own heart that has helped perpetuate telling men they are not enough.

I was undone. I was (and still am!) grieved.

In Genesis, as part of the curse, God says that the woman's desire will be for the man. Most teachings I've heard and commentaries I've read note that this means that the woman would want to take over the man's place. In case you're wondering how this might manifest, it's evidenced in the song that says, "Anything you can do, I can do better." I didn't really think I felt that way, but God showed me the ugliness in my heart that says something else.

Look, my overall personality limits my ability to be overtly jerky. I'd never in a million years intentionally say something to hurt anyone, men included. But I can tell you that, despite it's rare appearance, it's been in my heart. It's subtle, and it's hidden - and yesterday God pulled it right out into the light.

There is something to be said for men fulfilling the role that God has given them. And yes, it surely seems like a lot of men have absolutely abandoned their responsibilities. However, men are still human. Men still have souls. Men can still feel the sting of hearing - implicitly or explicitly - that they are not enough. And then, when, they believe that, they act from that place. Just like we women do.

So, to the men I know - I'm really sorry. I'm sorry for the sin in my heart that has colored my thoughts at times. I'm sorry for how you've been hurt from a cultural perspective. I'm sorry how you've been hurt when I've not been sensitive.

DISCLAIMER - I know there is so much more to this topic, and so many facets. Just remember that I believe in balance, both for women and men, and I believe in truth. This post is limited in its scope and doesn't reflect how I feel about every possible scenario. If you have questions about where I stand on something I didn't cover here or want to go deeper, please reach out to me and we'll do that!

NEW NAME! The title of the blog has changed to better reflect what these posts are about, and frankly where God is taking me. I hope you continue to read my posts and dialogue with me about the content.

Proud Mama

Today I took my kiddo with me to celebrate the first birthday of a local rescue home that takes in girls who are victims of human trafficking. It was great to celebrate what is happening through the staff and volunteers who are working with girls who have had the unspeakable done to them.

I had explained to El Kiddo that these girls were horribly abused and people really hurt them (I did not explain any more deeply - he got enough to know why I would care). He was indignant that any parent would allow that to happen and that anyone would do that to someone in the first place. At the celebration there was a box where you could write encouragement to the girls. His said, "I hope you get well soon." While I know he doesn't understand what they need to heal from, he understands that healing is needed.

I was thankful he chose to write anything. I have a passionate conviction about helping others and I express that a lot, but I never tell him he has to agree or that he has to do anything. I just involve him in some of what I do and I live it out in front of him. When he took a card to write a note, it was wholly his own doing. I was so proud he cared enough to write something to hurting girls he'd probably never meet.

During the celebration they had a survivor of trafficking speak. As she told her story, I felt my heart aching for her. A beautiful Indian girl, she said, "I thought if I was just White things wouldn't be this way. I thought I would be loved and worth something." After she told her story - and her incredible story of healing in a safe house - she sat down. The celebration closed and El Kiddo grabbed me and said, "Mom, that girl said she didn't feel like she could be loved because of the color of her skin! That is so wrong! God loves her! She is special! I need to tell her!"

I looked at him. His eyes were wide open. It appalled him that she had said that she didn't think she was special. I told him I'd walk over with him so he could say whatever he wanted to... We approached her and he said, "You are special. The color of your skin doesn't matter. God loves you. I want you to know that. I heard you say you didn't think you were special, but that's not true." She thanked him and talked to him for a few minutes. She asked if she could have a hug and he gave her one of his signature bone-crushing hugs (hope she needed that chiropractic realignment...).

My eyes welled up with tears. He was genuinely grieved that she ever felt she was less than. I watched God take hold of his heart and use him to love someone who had experienced immense brokenness. As we left the event he said, "I'm glad we went. No one should be abused. I'm glad we can help."

Tonight I'm the proudest mama on the planet. Not because I've done anything other than provide an open environment where God is central and where I live what I believe. What happens in El Kiddo's heart is between him and Jesus. And when I get glimpses of God at work and see my sweet boy love well and love real... Well, I'm overjoyed. And I pray that my son becomes a man after God's own heart, loving Jesus with all he has, and loving others well - no matter how messy their lives are or have been.

Pressing in when being pressed on

Today is one of those days. You know the kind. Where stress seems to overtake you and you hit your limits of what you can handle. The days where everyone is pissed at you, trying to cover their own butts, and oh-so-willing to copy your line manager on stuff - whether or not you could control any of the outcomes to begin with. It's one of those days where it seems nothing works and then you get the call that what you had planned for later in the week just got a whole lot harder and exponentially increased your workload. It's the kind of day where it all rolls uphill if you're in management and you get to step into the conflict of others to defend or protect or help. It's the kind of day where you hit your upper limit of being able to cope with the stress and you close your door to take deep breaths, or go to your car, or go to Starbucks. Or do all three.

And these days don't happen in a vacuum. No, regular life is happening too. You know, the kind where you drop your crying child off at the before school program and end up with snot on your black suit jacket. The kind where the night before you got to have your first real "birds and bees" conversation with your son who is on the cusp of puberty, all while acting like it's totally normal meanwhile you're totally uncomfortable, praying desperately for God to give you the words, and mourning the loss (to a degree) of your baby - and this is all in one breath.

For me, days like today also make me press in. The unbearable pressure from a day where everything seems to be going wrong and not working and where I know my stress level has moved beyond the limit where I can successfully cope and where I feel like just crying - then I press in. It's times like this I feel my weakness and my frailty. I feel how much I need Jesus, and how much I simply cannot stand under the weight of a challenging world without Him. I feel how much I need His strong arms to pick me up and hold me close. I can press in to Him.

And because He is limitless He can hold me up and help me walk forward no matter how beaten and bruised I feel I am.

So I take five minutes, and deep breaths, and for a moment I let myself feel the closeness of Jesus. A few tears escape and drop onto the keyboard while I just exhale, deeply thankful that when I feel like I can't stand up under the pressure, I can press in. Today, I'm a weary traveler. I'm also the daughter of a great God. So life presses on and I press in.

²⁸ Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
    his understanding is unsearchable.
²⁹ He gives power to the faint,
    and to him who has no might he increases strength.
³⁰ Even youths shall faint and be weary,
    and young men shall fall exhausted;
³¹ but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
    they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
    they shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:28-31 (ESV)

New Life Where It's Least Expected

I failed.

As a mom.

As a generally organized individual.

I forgot to sign my son up for before and after school care. Now it's full. In three days he starts school and I have few options. With him being on the autism spectrum sudden changes are hard enough. Sudden changes that don't have an easy resolution are devastating. In this week of transition I threw in another one through my own lack of organization. I let him down as it relates to his routine. I let him down at a grade transition. I just plain let him down.

And, I'll confess, I'm having some tough moments, too. I know that we'll figure something out. We always do. We're survivors. Somehow, we will make this work. I'll find something, we'll walk through it, and it will be okay.

And then I cry, not knowing how this will work out and heartbroken because I've caused my son more challenges. Yeah, stuff happens in life and sometimes I even orchestrate change so he can grow in this area. But I'm also so cognizant of his anxiety, his need to understand, and I try so hard to only make beneficial changes. And this surely doesn't feel like one.

In the midst of scrambling to figure it out I've been crying out to God. I really have no other place to take what I feel. He's the only one who can bear the brunt of my stress and still love me as I flail and freak out and try to trust. Yes, we've been in precarious spots before. He always provides. So, in the middle of my distress I did what all people do - went to get Thai takeout.

Okay, maybe no one else does that. But I have no dinner-making materials so it's a takeout night. Besides, I find curry comforting.

As I came back in my house, I looked down that the attempts I have on my front porch at growing plants. Two pots are doing well. One pot is dead.

Well, I thought it was dead.

As I surveyed my "garden" I saw what appeared to be little shoots coming out of the soil. The closer I looked I could see it - there was new life. In this plant that I thought had no hope there was new life.

Peace flooded me as I thought about what Jesus says about new life. He brings beauty from ashes - even ashes I helped to create. And that brings me peace. It brings me peace to know He can (and does) redeem anything. He loves both my son and me more than I could eve hope to. He is with us. He will bring new life.

I walked into the house, set down my Thai food, and just thanked Him. I am no closer to resolution than I was before I left. I'm no less sad. But I am at peace. Even in the moments where holding on to who God is seems nearly impossible, He shows up. He transcends my mistakes and failures and loves me (and my son!) with an unbridled love that I can't even begin to fully fathom. He is here.

Swallowing Poison

"For false christs and false prophets will rise and show signs and wonders to deceive, if possible, even the elect." Mark 13:32 (NKJV)

When Jesus made this statement, which is also repeated in Matthew's gospel, He was telling His disciples what to watch for in the end times. Without getting too deep into eschatology, I think this is a sober warning for all believers whether we believe this is the end times or not. 

There has been doctrinal discussion and debates since the beginning of the church (see Acts 15 where Paul takes up the discussion of circumcision for salvation with the crew in Jerusalem). Sometimes the debate and discussion are good and help us all to think more clearly.

Where things go awry is when heresy is introduced. Outright heresy is easy to spot, but often that's not how it gets in. The person espousing the heresy coats it in things that are truth and uses words that our flesh likes to hear. The information makes us think, and it sounds good, and there is truth... The heresy becomes difficult to spot. 

I am all for reading many ideas from many people, taking in the good and discarding the bad, but if Mark 13:32 is correct, then I need to be incredibly careful. If the attempt is to deceive even the elect it means that whatever is being taught has to be palatable to believers. It means I'm vulnerable. If Jeremiah 17:9 says my heart is desperately wicked and I don't even know how wicked, then this warning is one I should heed all the more. 

Heresy is, plain and simple, poison. It draws you away from Jesus. When you coat heresy in truth and words that are palatable and soothing it is akin to wrapping that poison in sugar. The outside is fine, just sugar after all... but the inside? Well, it's deadly. 

Our enemy is like a roaring lion and he will take out whomever he can, whenever he can. We are called to be vigilant (1 Peter 5:8). In this day and age where information flows more freely than water, and eloquent ideas are given that seem so good and pleasing, we better be watching - we better be vigilant. We better be relying on the Holy Spirit for discernment. If we aren't, we are opening ourselves up to be deceived... even if we are the elect.

There is a way that seems right to a man, But its end is the way of death. (Proverbs 14:12, NKJV)

Be careful little eyes what you see... be careful little ears what you hear... be careful little heart what you believe...

Souls Knit Together

I had the occasion early this morning, before work, to have coffee with my very best friend. This woman and I have lived some life together in the past decade plus. We've been through births, deaths, growth, joy, pain, and a myriad of other things side by side. She has seen me at my best and she's seen me at my shockingly worst. She's seen me argue with God, ignore God, and submit to God. We've been in the messy of life together and I am so thankful.

The time we get to spend together is soul filling. I completely understand 1 Samuel 18:1 (NKJV) where it says, "the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul." This is how I feel about this friend. Through a work of the Holy Spirit our souls are knit together. And I need that, desperately need that. Today was a time of refreshing, a time of drinking deeply from Christ and enjoying each other. It was a time, after a week of travel, headed into work on a day that is very Monday, for which I was desperate. As I left I was reminded of Paul's words to the Philippians (1:3), "I thank my God upon every remembrance of you..." I am so thankful as I negotiate this day where there don't seem to be enough minutes, where more demands my attention than I have time to give, that God provided soul refreshment. He is a good God.

And so, I face this day refreshed and full. And thankful. Oh so thankful.

Being the Odd Woman Out

A friend of mine and I were talking once about being a square peg in a round hole. I tend to feel like this often, especially when I'm outside my comfort zone. He said he likes being the odd man out. I'm not sure I said it directly to him, but I kinda thought he was crazy.

I've been the odd woman out many times. In fact, I've joked that I am, at times, God's personal guinea pig. He puts me in situations that not only foster my growth, but the growth of someone else. These situations are never easy or lightweight. Often, they're life-changing moments. I'm better with this than I used to be, thanks in large part to a gracious God. I've learned that being the odd woman out can be awkward, it can be good, or it can be both. Today, I got both.

I'm at a conference, at which I'll be speaking tomorrow morning. I tripped and fell into this conference. I got a call for abstracts, I had an opinion about the topic, and I provided an abstract. Never in a zillion years did I think that I'd get selected.

I got selected.

It's a conference unlike any I've ever experienced. Most people know each other and have been coming for  years. About two thirds are old enough to be either my parent or my grandparent. I'm much more rock and roll, and these folks are - shall we say - hymnal. My first experience yesterday was that of being met with skepticism and awe. Awe because my presence was so fully unexpected. I was asked several times, "How did you get here?" It wasn't hostile, but genuine curiosity.

I left yesterday genuinely worried about what the next two days may hold. It was kind-of like I was T-Rex and everyone wanted to take a look. Since I suck at keeping a low profile and I'm constantly thinking and wondering (hello - I'm in research!) I was engaging in the sessions in which I participated. So this morning I thought, "Okay, I guess we're going for odd-woman-out awkward for this one."

I was only partly right.

Yes, I'm an anomaly, but to most with whom I've spoken a GOOD anomaly. In the first session today we were talking about medical and pharmaceutical ethics. I asked questions and provided my opinion. Of course, I wasn't the only one! We had some incredible discussion as a group! I moved on to my next session intellectually stimulated with knowledge I can bring back to my day job and to (hopefully!) future counseling practice!

The second session was much more diverse in age and style. I sat next to a dude with "end slavery" on his bracelet. I liked that guy instantly. He also had long hair and was wearing jeans. Anyway, the topic was assessing spirituality in counseling. It was some of my favorite topics combined - research, Jesus, counseling, and theology. I actively participated in that session, and (not gonna lie) was kinda fired up. I wasn't the only one, but I do have my own brand of fired-up-ness. I had the chance to talk with the speakers afterward - they are some incredible minds. Again, I took much back with me for thought and learning.

By the final session of the day, we were talking about pharmaceutical compounding and its risks and what sort of oversight is needed. Before the session, the chair came over and introduced himself to me. He had remembered me from the initial morning session. He thanked me for coming. He thanked me for my questions and my opinions. He was genuinely glad to have me at the conference and in his session. I had three other people come and say the same thing to me. I got to have some amazing, intellectually stimulating conversations about amazing things with some really incredible thinkers and people.

On the way out to my car at today's end I was stopped by a woman who was in the medical sessions with me. She asked me, "How did you get here?" when finding out my affiliation. I smiled and told her my story. We had a great talk about ethics and medicine and research.

Yes, it was awkward to be asked (again) how I got here, but it was good because I am different. I am the odd woman out here, but that's not exactly a bad thing. I've learned so much in the past 24 hours that I'm excited to share with people and that is helping my own personal, spiritual, and professional formation - I'll take being the odd woman out. Like my friend, I may just find out that I like it.