Let's Talk About Sex...

Whoo, even that title alone can bring controversy.

I grew up in an era where parents didn't necessarily have "the talk" with their kids. Talking about sex with your kids is scary; you don't want to send the wrong message and it's not easy to determine the right words. Also, in the 1980s evangelical climate sex education by parents was something along the lines of "don't do it til you're married." It was made to seem (a) mysterious and off-limits and (b) gross.  Of course, when you hit puberty and are feeling all these things for the first time, you don't really know what to do with it all. Add to that the main societal message that sex is your right with whomever, wherever, and you can come to the conclusion that sex outside of marriage is no big deal. Also, sex is physically pleasurable.

There, I said it. Sex feels good; in the moment it may even be emotionally pleasurable. We are made that way; however, God intends that this pleasure to be experienced only within marriage and many of us choose to ignore that. In the moment it may seem fun and quite harmless, but there is always harm from sin, even when it's not overt like an STD or unplanned pregnancy. There is always an emotional/spiritual toll.

I'll give some of my own experience. I didn't wait for marriage. I thought I had found "Mr. Right." We were "engaged" and after dating for a few months, when I was 17, I gave up "the goods." It wasn't what I thought it would be. It didn't at all fill the gaping hole that was desperate for love. What I ultimately found was shame. I felt guilty as all get out because I knew what I was doing was wrong. I pushed those feelings down because I wanted to feel loved. 

You see, sex was a means to an end - a desperate attempt to feel loved and connected; to be fully known and yet fully loved.

Physical intimacy is a beautiful, God-ordained part of the marriage covenant. Read Song of Songs and tell me it doesn't make you blush! Physical intimacy outside of marriage cheapens something so beautiful.
But even more than cheapening a beautiful gift from God, we will never find the love and connectedness we desperately need outside of God. No man can "complete" me - it's a lie from the pit. I need to be secure in Jesus and His crazy amazing love for me. He fully knows me, and yet fully loves me. He loves me so much He died so we could be together forever. He is my knight in shining armor.

So what's different now? Why would I wait? Do I just hate sex? I would wait because I know I'm worth waiting for. My worth and value are not what I give with my body; my worth and value are in who I am in Jesus. I'm the daughter of a King - the King of Kings, to be exact. I am already fully known and fully loved - I don't need that from a guy.

Look, I'm not a sex hater. In fact, one day I'd like to get remarried and have sex again (SHOCKING!!!). I just want to do it God's way. Jesus made me precious and any man that cannot see that and only sees me for the physical pleasure he can get is absolutely not worthy of my gift of intimacy. Period.

What are your thoughts? Anyone got a different perspective?

Valentine's Day Perspective

This morning I awoke to Lenten Season Day #2, which happens to be Valentine's Day this year due to an early Easter. For the first time in a long time, I wasn't annoyed or depressed. Instead of focusing on what I don't have (a romantic relationship), I'm focused on the ultimate demonstration of love, Jesus' death to pay for my sins.

Does this focus eliminate my desire for a romantic relationship? No, of course not. What girl doesn't want a man to love her and cherish her? What girl doesn't want a relationship that has depth and meaning? What girl doesn't want a partner to face life with? I surely do. (I know not all girls feel this way, but you understand.)

Anyway, this desire in my heart is not evil in any way - I was created to love and be loved. Love is a very real need we have. Now, I could get myself in real trouble by attempting to fulfill this desire in an unhealthy way, like giving away my body, not caring about the dude's spiritual life, and such. I mean, I saw this morning that Honey Boo-boo's mom has a boyfriend (though I thought she was married, but what do I know? I don't actually watch the show - a meme was posted to Facebook on a friend's timeline). Although this might sound a tad, um, prideful - I'm surely a better catch than she is! I can cook like all get out, I'm smart, well educated, love sports (and can functionally discuss nearly any sport, even those I don't watch), I like adventure, I'm willing to exit my comfort zone, and above all I love me some Jesus in a full-tilt kind of way. How is she in a relationship and I'm not?!

I'm not for some specific reasons, the first of which is God hasn't brought anyone (or brought me to them). As much as I'd like Him to do so, He hasn't. For whatever reason, that's His will at this time for me. A second reason is that I have a holy fear of trying to do it myself. My first marriage was me trying to satify my need for love on my own. It didn't go so well. When Abraham attempted to fulfill what was even a promise of God on his own, it was a disaster. That is all reason enough for me not to go there without Jesus.

I could probably go to a bar, get picked up, give up "the goods," and have a "relationship." Except that's not a relationship, it's actually death. It surely won't fill the need I have to be loved. It's going against how God created things to be, and every time I've deviated from God's rhythm I've paid a huge price. I finally feel, after making some ridiculous number of bad decisions in this arena in my teenage years and early 20s, that I've accepted God's forgiveness and purity. There is no way in Hades I'd trade that for a one-way ticket to guilt and shame.

So as I face another Valentine's Day, I'm filled with - wait for it - JOY. God has given me incredible gifts, not the least of which is my salvation. He's also seen fit to give me a son that loves his momma a lot (and tackle hugged me for Valentine's Day this morning). He's given me incredible friends who know some of the deepest ugly in me and love me anyway. Oh, and God happens to not only love me, He actually likes me. Now that is pretty freaking cool! And in it all, I have unspeakable JOY. Go Jesus!

Happy Valentine's Day! May you know the height, depth, and breadth of God's crazy awesome love for you!

Freedom in Embracing Failure

The more I delve into this whole feeling worthy thing, the more I embrace who God says I am, the more I believe I am enough (despite all the imperfections I could spend hours detailing for you), the more I see freedom in embracing failure.

I'm not talking about wantonly doing a terrible job at something or being dispassionate, or lacking compassion and how my actions affect someone else. I'm talking about the fact that I will fail, despite at times my best efforts, but even in that place of failure I don't cease being enough or loved. In that place of failure (which often accompanied by pain) I experience God's grace deeply, I learn lessons about dark areas in my heart that need Jesus' healing, and I learn how very dependent I am on Jesus for everything (which I conveniently forget when things are easy or I'm successful).

I used to fear failure, so I never took real chances. Okay, I need to be real here - I was terrified in a phobic way of failure. If I couldn't be successful I often didn't try. Or if I did try, I threw everything I had at it, including my identity, and when it didn't work out I took a huge hit and was wounded deeply. And this was a cycle to end all cycles that just kept happening over and over and over again. I was seriously failure averse. The quest for perfectionism was sapping me of the relationships I needed, sapping me of joy, and sapping me of God's grace. I was so afraid if I was known I'd be rejected and that any love for me was predicated on what I could accomplish. It was a one-way ticket to bondage.

Now, I'm learning that failure is both inevitable and beautiful. Which is slightly terrifying. I'd be lying if I said I like failure. Of course I don't! But it will happen and if I embrace it and bring it to Jesus (who already knows anyway) I have great freedom there. I'm free to make mistakes and grow. I'm free to let people love me even when I've been a dork. I'm free to feel God's incredible grace wash over me. I'm just plain free.

So the more I grow, the more I trust, the more I am embracing failure. It's a little scary at times, but it's also the best way to live. At least that's how I feel!

Revisiting my Need for a Lesson in Botany

On 22 November 2010 I posted the following note on Facebook. I had no idea what a blog was exactly nor why I would ever create one. What I did know was that God was speaking to my heart and I wanted to share it. This is that post in its entirety. Years have now passed and I have seen God fulfill this in my life. At the time I wrote this I was barely able to believe this was possible - barely able to personalize this for myself. More than two years later not only do I know it's possible, but I rejoice in the work God has done, and I am learning to embrace who I am. I hope that this blesses whoever chooses to read it.

So last night God gave me this scripture in Isaiah - 55:13 - "Where once there were thorns, cypress trees will grow. Where nettles grew, myrtles will sprout up. These events will bring great honor to the Lord’s name; they will be an everlasting sign of his power and love."

There are a lot of plants in this one verse.  So since Jesus doesn't add detail that is meaningless, I hit the Google search engine this morning to learn more about the mentioned items.  Here is what I found:

Thorns - Well, nothing new Googling here.  Thorns are pointy things that grow on trees and bushes.  They help deter predators and they hurt like a booger if you run into them. The Bible uses thorns as a metaphor for people who will give you grief (see the Old Testament where God is telling the Israelites to drive out the people in the land or they'll be thorns in their sides).  How many times have I  been a thorn?  How many times have I used my thorns to keep people away from me?  As a way to self protect?

Thorns are contrasted with Cypress trees...

Cypress trees - Cypress trees are  pretty sturdy things.  They can be very drought tolerant.  They are evergreens (the African cypress) and easily resists decay.  It's also aromatic.  One of the things I thought was way cool is that, according to Wikipedia, the cones containing the seeds don't open until they are scorched by fire.  Huh.  Sound like any other descriptions of things in the Bible?  Like maybe fiery trials?  How often has God used a fiery trial of some sort to get me to open up and, from that, He uses it to plant His seeds in me and around me?

Then there are nettles. Did you know that they are toxic?  They are pretty, flowering plants, but utterly toxic.  They've been known to kill animals and even a human or two.  Some cultures have used them in weird folk concoctions, but anything that can kill a horse is something I'd rather not tangle with, thank you very much.  They also have stinging leaves - little hairs with the chemicals on them.  Imagine running into them.  If this scripture can be applied to my life - how often have I been toxic?  How often has a run in with me been devastating to someone else?  How often has a run in with me been devastating to me?

Nettles are contrasted with myrtles...

I think this was the one that spoke the most powerfully to me.  Myrtles are also really hearty.  Not only can they be small bush-like things, but they can grow into pretty sizable trees (up to 5 meters).  They are beautiful.  I'm actually familiar with the Crepe Myrtle (same family as the ones in Israel) - which are all over NC.  Those trees are gorgeous when they flower.  And they are also ridiculously hearty.  When I lived in my apartment each year during pruning season the landscapers would come and darn near chop down the trees outside my second-story bedroom window.  The poor things looked pathetic and barren.  It never failed, though, that by mid summer they were again as tall as the second-story window and had the most beautiful fiery pink flowers on them.  They were struck down but not destroyed.  Does that sound anything you might have read in the Bible? (See 2 Corinthians 4:9).

Okay, so what's the point?  The point is that this is something God will absolutely do in and through us.  In and through me.  He can take all the rough, toxic parts of us and make us strong, resistant to the crap this world throws at us, and beautiful.  How many women who are reading this need to know that God can AND WILL make them beautiful?  In fact, if 2 Corinthians 5:17 is true and this work is done and we are new creations, then WE ALREADY ARE BEAUTIFUL.  WE ALREADY ARE STRONG.  WE ALREADY ARE ABLE TO WITHSTAND THE CRAP OF THIS WORLD.

I know, maybe better than some, how hard this is to believe for yourself.  But in Ephesians 3:19-20 says, "May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." (NLT, emphasis added)

I can't do this in myself.  I just can't.  I can't even imagine what God might wish to accomplish in my life.  But He can and He is.  I've been told recently that I'm not big enough to wreck God's plans for my life.  In Isaiah 55, right before verse 13, He talks about how He wants us to come to Him - those who are thirsty and burdened.  He says that His word never returns void, that it ALWAYS accomplishes the purpose He has for it.  If He came to set us free (which He says frequently in His word), then we can bank on the fact that He will accomplish this in us.

I don't know about you, but I want people to look at my life and think, "I can't believe God did that in her. Wow, He's powerful. I want to meet that Guy."  So all I have to say is - BRING IT, JESUS. Let's do this thing.

Fear of Authenticity

Have you ever gone back and re-read a journal? Or a blog post from time past? I have and it can be a really interesting little excursion down memory lane. God set me off on a journey of knowing Him more deeply about 12 years ago. It's been an incredibly wild ride, to be sure - one filled with incredible highs, gut-wrenching lows, and times of "normalcy" (if there really is such a thing). The past three years have been exceptionally interesting as the foundation He laid in knowledge became my functional reality. I never thought that I would be able to comfortably say "I have worth and value, and I'm enough right now, even with all the flaws I can see and the ones I can't but know are there." Believing that I'm okay, that I'm enough, gives me freedom to be who God created me to be without apology and to explore all that He might have for me.

And even in that, there is still a fear of authenticity. I'm able to feel how different I am from years past. Oh, don't get me wrong I'm still me, but my way of processing and seeing things is much more mature. But even knowing that I'm free to be me, that who I am is enough, there is still a nagging fear deep down that who I am really might prove to be problematic. What if people don't like who I really am? I don't mean the random Joe off the street. I could care less if people I don't know like me. It's the people I love the deepest that I get scared of losing. As I continue to embrace who God made me to be and explore things more fully, what if the people I love most don't really like who I am and drop me like a hot potato?

Talk about a mind job from the enemy, right?! Fear is such a rate limiter in my life. I've let fear of the unknown, the "what if," control me on many occasions. Honestly, some fears do happen, but many don't. And those that have come to fruition have all been handled by a loving God. I'm still here, still standing, still growing. I do not want to let fear dictate what I will/will not do. Will I fail at times? Good gracious, of course. Do I need to fear failure? No. God's grace is sufficient. And hopefully those in my life who do truly love me will extend grace and keep on loving me anyway. So I take a deep breath and I walk forward, trusting Jesus more than anything and staying the course of following Him in all that I do.

What about you? What do you fear that causes you to struggle with walking forward? With embracing who God created you to be and wholly seeking His face?

Let me know redemption wins...

Today I cried myself to work, all nine miles of my commute. This morning I dropped my sobbing son off at school, kissed him goodbye, and watched the principal escort him to his class. I won't see him again until Wednesday - he'll be at his dad's for Christmas.

This isn't the first Christmas I've spent without him. In fact, other than his first two Christmases, this has been our life. Once his dad and I separated we had to share the day. Because of Isaiah's disability when the day falls near his dad's weekend and too many transitions would be more harmful than good He stays at his dad's. That's been the past two years.

There are far worse things that could be happening in my life. I know that so many people are suffering with a first Christmas where a lost child will not be seen again this side of heaven. I know that the odds are that on Wednesday morning he'll come home and we'll have our Christmas a day late. We'll have fun and laugh and today's pain will be forgotten.

What I also know is that it's okay to feel how I feel. A wise counselor once told me that just because someone else has a broken leg doesn't mean that my broken arm doesn't hurt. I don't use this pain as an entitlement for selfishness, but I surely do acknowledge that it's here and cry out to God for comfort, for myself and for my sweet son who would much rather mom and dad had stayed married and going between two very different places wasn't part of his life.

And God is merciful. When I hurt this much and the tears flow unabated I've learned to worship. For me, I can let out the pain and let the words of truth settle over me, and let my Father hold me. Worn by Tenth Avenue North played and I cried.

"Let me know redemption wins, let me know the struggle ends, that you can mend a heart that's frail and torn. I want to know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life and all that's dead inside can be reborn... 'Cause I'm worn."

The end the song to me today really was a prayer; "Heaven come and flood my eyes." And God, who is merciful, turned my tear-streaked face to Him. The next song was Lamb of God, a statement of who God is and my freedom to come before Him.

"So I'll come broken through
The blood of Your son
And I'll kneel before You

You are holy
You are worthy
You are holy
You're the Lamb of God"

I pulled into the office parking lot, dried my tears, and went in to start my day. Though my heart is sad I'm comforted that God knows and cares. My sadness may be insignificant to other people who are dealing with far worse things, but it's not insignificant to God. He is holy, He is worthy. He is the Lamb of God.

Learning to Live In the Tension

I've had such a dramatic shift in the past two years that seems to have suddenly solidified in this strange way about two months ago. One season so completely ended and another so completely began that the line of demarcation is absolutely stark in my mind. I've been wondering what to call this new season into which God has ushered me - and all He's said is that it's called "transition."

More than at any other time in my life I know I'm going somewhere. I just have a limited idea with regard to where. I'm continuing to walk where He has me, but it's a struggle to both focus on being present and remembering to rest. I'm naturally a future thinker and a planner so being in the moment can be exponentially hard when I know God is leading me somewhere. It's probably why He only reveals bits and pieces at a time to me. If He did it any other way I'd run headlong toward wherever He said I was going and then completely miss the beauty of the process along the way.

Which also means I'd miss rest. Rest, I've noticed, is the first thing to go. Well, actually, I only notice after it's gone and I suddenly start feeling stressed, exhausted, and (if I'm being honest) kinda crazy. Most people exposed to me only casually wouldn't notice, but those who are close... Well, I do wonder if anyone's been planning an intervention the past couple weeks. Thankfully, God decided tonight was a good night for one, and here I am blogging as He presses things into my heart.

The Catalyst Atlanta conference was an interesting experience for a bunch of reasons. One of the most notable is that it happened at a time when I had margin in my life. In a place where I had space to think I was bombarded with a call to creativity. I haven't had that area of my brain pressed on in a long, long time. The combination of margin and stimulation sent my poor little brain into overdrive.

God, in His mercy, kept pressing into my heart that I needed to be careful not to take too much on. You see, when I get really inspired I feel like I can conquer the world (or at least make a lasting impression on it) - and that invariably ends up with me in a place God hasn't asked me to be, doing more than God has asked me to do, and I fall into the addictive (and deadly) cycle of "doing." Doing when not asked to by God always equals burnout for me. So God kept pressing on me to watch it, that I was starting to get ahead of where He wanted me to be.

And I sorta suck at listening. Until tonight when God pretty much slapped me upside the head and was like, "SLOW DOWN." Tonight I picked up my notes from Catalyst and looked at what I had written down on the front cover of the booklet. At the end of the conference the emcee asked us to write down three things. One was a statement and the other two were essentially questions.

1. "God has given me a creative gift and He wants me to use it more and allow Him to refine it."
2. "Allow the Spirit to fill in the blank with the one thing He is telling me to do: ________"
3. What one thing do I need to respond to that I learned during the conference: __________"

The immediate answer I got for #2 was "wait." So, I'm supposed to use whatever creative gift God has given me and I'm supposed to wait. Anyone want to tell me how the heck that works before my Type-A-figure-it-out-and-take-action brain spontaneously combusts?

Oh, yes, that would be God who intends to explain. I get to learn to live in the tension. Yes, He's taking me somewhere very purposeful.  Yes, I'm supposed to use the creativity He's given me and allow Him to refine it. And yes, I have to wait. I have to sit in the tension of the longing to do whatever and to go wherever He has for me. And that's a hard tension for me to allow. Everything in me is screaming GO and the Holy Spirit is whispering WAIT.

What a beautiful dilemma. It's beautiful because I am going to learn to live in a tension I've never lived in before - and still put into practice all that God has painstakingly been teaching me for two years. I get to be present and I get to rest in Him and in His plan for this process. I get to sit in "transition" as He reveals to me bit by bit whatever that means. So I'll allow the tension to remain and trust the goodness of my Father as He walks me down a new path that, right now, involves standing still.