Have you ever gone back and re-read a journal? Or a blog post from time past? I have and it can be a really interesting little excursion down memory lane. God set me off on a journey of knowing Him more deeply about 12 years ago. It's been an incredibly wild ride, to be sure - one filled with incredible highs, gut-wrenching lows, and times of "normalcy" (if there really is such a thing). The past three years have been exceptionally interesting as the foundation He laid in knowledge became my functional reality. I never thought that I would be able to comfortably say "I have worth and value, and I'm enough right now, even with all the flaws I can see and the ones I can't but know are there." Believing that I'm okay, that I'm enough, gives me freedom to be who God created me to be without apology and to explore all that He might have for me.
And even in that, there is still a fear of authenticity. I'm able to feel how different I am from years past. Oh, don't get me wrong I'm still me, but my way of processing and seeing things is much more mature. But even knowing that I'm free to be me, that who I am is enough, there is still a nagging fear deep down that who I am really might prove to be problematic. What if people don't like who I really am? I don't mean the random Joe off the street. I could care less if people I don't know like me. It's the people I love the deepest that I get scared of losing. As I continue to embrace who God made me to be and explore things more fully, what if the people I love most don't really like who I am and drop me like a hot potato?
Talk about a mind job from the enemy, right?! Fear is such a rate limiter in my life. I've let fear of the unknown, the "what if," control me on many occasions. Honestly, some fears do happen, but many don't. And those that have come to fruition have all been handled by a loving God. I'm still here, still standing, still growing. I do not want to let fear dictate what I will/will not do. Will I fail at times? Good gracious, of course. Do I need to fear failure? No. God's grace is sufficient. And hopefully those in my life who do truly love me will extend grace and keep on loving me anyway. So I take a deep breath and I walk forward, trusting Jesus more than anything and staying the course of following Him in all that I do.
What about you? What do you fear that causes you to struggle with walking forward? With embracing who God created you to be and wholly seeking His face?
Friday, December 21, 2012
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Let me know redemption wins...
Today I cried myself to work, all nine miles of my commute. This morning I dropped my sobbing son off at school, kissed him goodbye, and watched the principal escort him to his class. I won't see him again until Wednesday - he'll be at his dad's for Christmas.
This isn't the first Christmas I've spent without him. In fact, other than his first two Christmases, this has been our life. Once his dad and I separated we had to share the day. Because of Isaiah's disability when the day falls near his dad's weekend and too many transitions would be more harmful than good He stays at his dad's. That's been the past two years.
There are far worse things that could be happening in my life. I know that so many people are suffering with a first Christmas where a lost child will not be seen again this side of heaven. I know that the odds are that on Wednesday morning he'll come home and we'll have our Christmas a day late. We'll have fun and laugh and today's pain will be forgotten.
What I also know is that it's okay to feel how I feel. A wise counselor once told me that just because someone else has a broken leg doesn't mean that my broken arm doesn't hurt. I don't use this pain as an entitlement for selfishness, but I surely do acknowledge that it's here and cry out to God for comfort, for myself and for my sweet son who would much rather mom and dad had stayed married and going between two very different places wasn't part of his life.
And God is merciful. When I hurt this much and the tears flow unabated I've learned to worship. For me, I can let out the pain and let the words of truth settle over me, and let my Father hold me. Worn by Tenth Avenue North played and I cried.
"Let me know redemption wins, let me know the struggle ends, that you can mend a heart that's frail and torn. I want to know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life and all that's dead inside can be reborn... 'Cause I'm worn."
The end the song to me today really was a prayer; "Heaven come and flood my eyes." And God, who is merciful, turned my tear-streaked face to Him. The next song was Lamb of God, a statement of who God is and my freedom to come before Him.
"So I'll come broken through
The blood of Your son
And I'll kneel before You
You are holy
You are worthy
You are holy
You're the Lamb of God"
I pulled into the office parking lot, dried my tears, and went in to start my day. Though my heart is sad I'm comforted that God knows and cares. My sadness may be insignificant to other people who are dealing with far worse things, but it's not insignificant to God. He is holy, He is worthy. He is the Lamb of God.
This isn't the first Christmas I've spent without him. In fact, other than his first two Christmases, this has been our life. Once his dad and I separated we had to share the day. Because of Isaiah's disability when the day falls near his dad's weekend and too many transitions would be more harmful than good He stays at his dad's. That's been the past two years.
There are far worse things that could be happening in my life. I know that so many people are suffering with a first Christmas where a lost child will not be seen again this side of heaven. I know that the odds are that on Wednesday morning he'll come home and we'll have our Christmas a day late. We'll have fun and laugh and today's pain will be forgotten.
What I also know is that it's okay to feel how I feel. A wise counselor once told me that just because someone else has a broken leg doesn't mean that my broken arm doesn't hurt. I don't use this pain as an entitlement for selfishness, but I surely do acknowledge that it's here and cry out to God for comfort, for myself and for my sweet son who would much rather mom and dad had stayed married and going between two very different places wasn't part of his life.
And God is merciful. When I hurt this much and the tears flow unabated I've learned to worship. For me, I can let out the pain and let the words of truth settle over me, and let my Father hold me. Worn by Tenth Avenue North played and I cried.
"Let me know redemption wins, let me know the struggle ends, that you can mend a heart that's frail and torn. I want to know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life and all that's dead inside can be reborn... 'Cause I'm worn."
The end the song to me today really was a prayer; "Heaven come and flood my eyes." And God, who is merciful, turned my tear-streaked face to Him. The next song was Lamb of God, a statement of who God is and my freedom to come before Him.
"So I'll come broken through
The blood of Your son
And I'll kneel before You
You are holy
You are worthy
You are holy
You're the Lamb of God"
I pulled into the office parking lot, dried my tears, and went in to start my day. Though my heart is sad I'm comforted that God knows and cares. My sadness may be insignificant to other people who are dealing with far worse things, but it's not insignificant to God. He is holy, He is worthy. He is the Lamb of God.
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