Valentine's Day Perspective

This morning I awoke to Lenten Season Day #2, which happens to be Valentine's Day this year due to an early Easter. For the first time in a long time, I wasn't annoyed or depressed. Instead of focusing on what I don't have (a romantic relationship), I'm focused on the ultimate demonstration of love, Jesus' death to pay for my sins.

Does this focus eliminate my desire for a romantic relationship? No, of course not. What girl doesn't want a man to love her and cherish her? What girl doesn't want a relationship that has depth and meaning? What girl doesn't want a partner to face life with? I surely do. (I know not all girls feel this way, but you understand.)

Anyway, this desire in my heart is not evil in any way - I was created to love and be loved. Love is a very real need we have. Now, I could get myself in real trouble by attempting to fulfill this desire in an unhealthy way, like giving away my body, not caring about the dude's spiritual life, and such. I mean, I saw this morning that Honey Boo-boo's mom has a boyfriend (though I thought she was married, but what do I know? I don't actually watch the show - a meme was posted to Facebook on a friend's timeline). Although this might sound a tad, um, prideful - I'm surely a better catch than she is! I can cook like all get out, I'm smart, well educated, love sports (and can functionally discuss nearly any sport, even those I don't watch), I like adventure, I'm willing to exit my comfort zone, and above all I love me some Jesus in a full-tilt kind of way. How is she in a relationship and I'm not?!

I'm not for some specific reasons, the first of which is God hasn't brought anyone (or brought me to them). As much as I'd like Him to do so, He hasn't. For whatever reason, that's His will at this time for me. A second reason is that I have a holy fear of trying to do it myself. My first marriage was me trying to satify my need for love on my own. It didn't go so well. When Abraham attempted to fulfill what was even a promise of God on his own, it was a disaster. That is all reason enough for me not to go there without Jesus.

I could probably go to a bar, get picked up, give up "the goods," and have a "relationship." Except that's not a relationship, it's actually death. It surely won't fill the need I have to be loved. It's going against how God created things to be, and every time I've deviated from God's rhythm I've paid a huge price. I finally feel, after making some ridiculous number of bad decisions in this arena in my teenage years and early 20s, that I've accepted God's forgiveness and purity. There is no way in Hades I'd trade that for a one-way ticket to guilt and shame.

So as I face another Valentine's Day, I'm filled with - wait for it - JOY. God has given me incredible gifts, not the least of which is my salvation. He's also seen fit to give me a son that loves his momma a lot (and tackle hugged me for Valentine's Day this morning). He's given me incredible friends who know some of the deepest ugly in me and love me anyway. Oh, and God happens to not only love me, He actually likes me. Now that is pretty freaking cool! And in it all, I have unspeakable JOY. Go Jesus!

Happy Valentine's Day! May you know the height, depth, and breadth of God's crazy awesome love for you!

Freedom in Embracing Failure

The more I delve into this whole feeling worthy thing, the more I embrace who God says I am, the more I believe I am enough (despite all the imperfections I could spend hours detailing for you), the more I see freedom in embracing failure.

I'm not talking about wantonly doing a terrible job at something or being dispassionate, or lacking compassion and how my actions affect someone else. I'm talking about the fact that I will fail, despite at times my best efforts, but even in that place of failure I don't cease being enough or loved. In that place of failure (which often accompanied by pain) I experience God's grace deeply, I learn lessons about dark areas in my heart that need Jesus' healing, and I learn how very dependent I am on Jesus for everything (which I conveniently forget when things are easy or I'm successful).

I used to fear failure, so I never took real chances. Okay, I need to be real here - I was terrified in a phobic way of failure. If I couldn't be successful I often didn't try. Or if I did try, I threw everything I had at it, including my identity, and when it didn't work out I took a huge hit and was wounded deeply. And this was a cycle to end all cycles that just kept happening over and over and over again. I was seriously failure averse. The quest for perfectionism was sapping me of the relationships I needed, sapping me of joy, and sapping me of God's grace. I was so afraid if I was known I'd be rejected and that any love for me was predicated on what I could accomplish. It was a one-way ticket to bondage.

Now, I'm learning that failure is both inevitable and beautiful. Which is slightly terrifying. I'd be lying if I said I like failure. Of course I don't! But it will happen and if I embrace it and bring it to Jesus (who already knows anyway) I have great freedom there. I'm free to make mistakes and grow. I'm free to let people love me even when I've been a dork. I'm free to feel God's incredible grace wash over me. I'm just plain free.

So the more I grow, the more I trust, the more I am embracing failure. It's a little scary at times, but it's also the best way to live. At least that's how I feel!