Failing Well

I have serious Type A tendencies. I work really hard and I like to do really well. Unfortunately, I also have perfectionist tendencies. God has been working on that in me quite a bit. Being the merciful God He is, He's allowed me to have good season of mostly successes. Any failures or inconsistencies have been minor.

Until yesterday. Yesterday I had an epic failure. It was entirely my fault and I got called out on it big time.

When "the talk" happened (the one where I was told I messed up) I felt my stomach knot up and the blood drain from my face. I was literally physically ill for a moment. Then there was embarrassment. Embarrassment because it was something I should have known better than to do and allow. Embarrassment because someone who is just getting to know me, someone with whom I have no relational equity, got an impression of me that really doesn't reflect my heart. 

Everything in me hit overdrive, fight-or-flight, and fix-it-at-all-costs mode. My heart was racing. My eyes welled up with tears (thank you Jesus for doors that close!). My mind began racing to fix, fix, fix. Except there was no way to do anything other than say I'm sorry, I'll take care of it. I was told there would be more conversation, but it couldn't happen that day.

Oh, God. What do you mean we can't resolve this RIGHT NOW?! For me, in these situations, I'm much happier at the person I upset figuratively kicking me in the gut, allowing me to make the needed changes, and then moving on. To have to wait even two hours to have a conversation I know is coming is torture to me.

So for the past 24 hours I've been living in this tension.

But remember that merciful God? Within seconds of everything in me going haywire, He reminded me that (a) I will fail and (b) I was still okay. This mistake doesn't affect who I am. I messed up. Yes, it was fairly epic and really visible. But I am still okay. I am still enough. Nothing about who I am changed. I reached out to people who know me well to ask for prayer. My bestie reminded me this was not earth shattering. I took a deep breath... It was time to walk through what God has carefully taught me - about my identity, about Himself, about failing well. So walk I do, even when embarrassment makes me feel like crawling under a rock to hide. I walk forward, fighting back with truth against emotions that want to drag me into the lie. And I trust the Creator of heaven and earth to hold on to me tightly as I experience failing well.

Tragedy Like Tidal Waves

I was getting my nails done this afternoon when news of the bombing in Boston broke. Like many nail salons, the person filing and painting is Asian. As we listened to the news report, I said, "I cannot imagine living in a place where violence like this is commonplace." She agreed and then began to tell me about where she is from - Cambodia. The country is run by a dictator who oppresses the people. He takes foreign aid and never gives it to his people. He takes what he wants, including women, by force. Those who disagree often end up "missing." Those who escape do what they can to help their family. Those who talk too much or post negative things to social media sites while in other countries have bounties placed on their heads. When visiting heads of state come the homeless are rounded up and dropped in the woods. Some never make it back to the city.

As if all this isn't horrific enough, human trafficking is rampant. Poor families sell their daughters into prostitution so they can get money to eat. Others are just stolen and trafficked. The worst story I was told today was of a brothel that specialized in girls as young as five years old. The brothel was finally raided and the little girls still alive were rescued by an international organization. The owners of the brothel were Americans. American men who brought their money, paid the government to look the other way, and exploited little girls. Of course there are plenty of Cambodian men who do the same.

We've all heard these stories on the Internet, at a conference, or some other medium. Those cause me to feel sad. There is something quite different when you hear it from a person who saw it. Who lived there. It's gut wrenching.

I left the salon and cried in my car. People setting off bombs in Boston. People trafficking children in Cambodia. People believing that there is no hope and committing suicide. I don't understand how people can conclude that no evil exists. I look around at this brokenness and wonder when Jesus will come back and make all things new.

And that really is the only thing that will solve these problems. Jesus in lives now and Jesus coming back. He really is the only hope. Maranatha - come Lord Jesus!!

Rocks of Remembrance

Have you ever stumbled across a verse that God used so powerfully in your life it's etched in your very DNA? I have. It happened just tonight. I was writing down a verse I wanted to remember and on the cover of my little index card holder (which is where I put my verses) I saw Joshua 1:9. Man, that jumped right off the cover at me and memories of a significant life event came flooding back. I could remember everything, right down to my emotions, even the smell in the air. 

Joshua 1:9 (ESV) - Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

God was walking me into a battle and I knew it. I was terrified. He'd been preparing me for months, slowly making me stronger and ready to stand. But still... I had never had lasting victory in that place before. I had always acquiesced again to being controlled. God was so clear that I was to stand my ground; He was with me. Even with my very insides quaking I walked forward in trust. As I stepped forward my throat was dry, my palms were sweaty, and I felt queasy. I was in constant prayer, wrestling myself out of fear and holding onto to truth. The time came. I took a deep breath and steeled myself for whatever was to come...

And I never even opened my mouth. I didn't speak a word. God's favor was upon me and the battle was won by the Lord in instantaneous fashion. In five minutes it was over and I was still standing. 

That day was a rock of remembrance for me. A time point etched in my mind's eye that screams out of God's faithfulness. Joshua 1:9 is part of me and every time I see that scripture I'm reminded of God's goodness and faithfulness.

And that's not my only rock. No. I have so many. Rock after rock, time after time, where God has proven who He is in what seemed like impossible circumstances. And in these moments of remembrance, when things are showered with light and pain and suffering aren't constant companions, I can fall to my knees and thank Him. And in these moments of remembrance, when darkness crushes in and there is no light to find, I can fall to my knees and thank Him.

He is good. In times of joy. In times of sorrow. He is good. Always good. Always showing up. Always, ALWAYS faithful.