Blindsided by Desire

In third grade they test the kids to see whether they will end up placed in the academically gifted classes going forward. Based on the note they sent home a few weeks ago apparently this is a forever designation, all the way through high school. (Also, they really test these kids a lot - and there are no validation and reliability documents sent home for parents to review and consider whether or not the test is even applicable to their kid, but that's a subject for another day.)

Anyway, I never pressure El Kiddo on standardized tests. They are what they are and in some cases they suck. As a matter of fact, I've heard a bunch of stories of how the standardized end-of-grade testing often has wrong answers on it. So when I read the stuff that was sent home letting parents know this was happening I was really surprised by how I felt. I wanted El Kiddo to do well and get placed in the academically gifted stuff in fourth grade.

What in the world?

I try hard to let his life be his life and not put inappropriate expectations on him because it's something I want that ultimately isn't all that important. But this was different. Maybe it's because I was in academically gifted classes... Maybe it's because I see how insanely smart he is... Maybe it's because I want other people to see how smart he is...

Look, there is nothing wrong with being smart. I struggled for a long time to acknowledge that I'm smart. Seriously. But there's being smart and there's wanting other people to see how smart you are... Or in this case - how smart your kid is. Why on earth would I give a crap about whether people see him as smart?

I really had to sit down and think about this. Ultimately what I determined was that it was a pride issue - mine. We have some really tough days here, which is nothing new for those who are parents. This stuff isn't for the faint of heart. Sometimes, because I do this parenting thing alone, I get tired and discouraged. It's lonely business. While I have great support from lots of people, ultimately evening homework is mine to battle through with El Kiddo. I fight bed-time battles alone. I do all the discipline. In fact, I do all the everything when it comes to the adult stuff. I'm the only in-the-moment person he's got and I get the brunt of everything.

When I distilled it all down, I wanted him to be selected because his smarts somehow validate me. While I surely wouldn't have said this out loud, what was playing out in my heart was that if he was selected it validated me as a parent. It validated all the fights, all the struggles, all the tears expended to try to get him not to flunk out of elementary school because he hates to sit still and do work.

And this is the absolutely entirely wrong motivation for seeing him selected. My job isn't to raise a kid who's smart and gets into a special program. My job is to raise a kid who learns what's needed, whether that's got a grade or designation attached or not. My job is to raise a man who loves Jesus (or at least put every bit of kindling possible around his heart in hopes the Holy Spirit will light that kid up). And whether he lands in a gifted class or not, there is no reflection on me. I don't need him to accomplish anything for me to be validated - I'm enough as-is and as God changes me from glory to glory to be like Him.

So, God worked this identity issue out with me. Because He's awesome like that. And it frees me up to love my kiddo more purely because I'm not trying to gain something from my relationship with him. I'm functioning from a place of wholeness and that keeps him from having any unnecessary burdens.

Now, to get him through third grade math without one of us going over the edge...