As I sat there and thought it through, I wrestled to feel the truth - that I am enough. Even being overweight. Even hating everything about my physical appearance. Even with every imperfection that I'm able to name and discuss in excruciating detail. Even when I don't feel like it. I am enough. I don't need to be better or different or more beautiful. I am enough right now.
Today is my 20th high school reunion. I've been on the fence for weeks about whether I'd go. High school wasn't a good experience for me. I was picked on a lot - even by some teachers. I've never, ever been able to keep my opinion to myself, nor have I been able to fly under the radar. Couple those things with some really hard personal life stuff and I spent a lot of time getting in trouble. I was told - by the principal no less - that I'd never make the honor roll. I was told I'd that I'd never graduate from high school. I was told I was ugly, fat, worthless - the list goes on and on and on. I had friends, but I never knew how to be accepted by them. I was always trying to please or be liked or fit in.
I was even told I probably wouldn't live past the age of 18.
Without God's direct intervention in my life that would have been true. How I lived long enough for God to get hold of me and do some serious work and healing is still the biggest miracle I've ever seen. I know what I was like and where I was headed. And God held on tight as He ordered my days to keep my alive and heal what was so badly broken.
It's so easy to look at social media and think, "Man, they have it all together." But that's not true. No one has it all together. There is pain and challenge in this life, I don't care who you are. As one speaker recently put it, "Social media is a billboard, not a diary." We all tend to post things that are good - the best dinner we've had, shots when we're wearing makeup and have a decent hair day, cute pictures of our kids... It all makes life look dreadfully Utopian. And if we get caught up believing that this is 100% of reality, then we're going to compare ourselves to something that doesn't exist. Though the happy pictures and good meals are true snapshots in time they are not the sum total of time. There's a whole lot of life between pictures and posts that never gets recorded for the world (and, frankly, shouldn't).
I'm not perfect. I wish I had a super cute and sexy outfit, they body to wear it, and a handsome fella on my arm who is madly in love with me. I wish I didn't struggle with insecurity and the occasional ghost that haunts my memories. There is nothing wrong with either of those wishes, but not having a genie to grant them doesn't mean I have to hide or sit still.
I have a story. My story is rich and has all manner of plot twists. There is heartache, rejection, pain, joy, success, failure - all the things that make a story people want to read. I have a purpose - one that is far greater than just about me. I have deep, meaningful relationships that have been forged in the fire of life. I am known. And I am loved. And I am enough.
So from this place of being enough, being okay, I'm going to my reunion. I'm going without a date or what society thinks of as a killer body. I'm going to see people I haven't in a really long time. I'm going to enjoy seeing where other people's stories have taken them. I'm going to rejoice in the fact that I'm still here and can share memories from 20 years ago, my earlier chapters that looked so dark and bleak and without a hero, and enjoy the fact that I am living proof of a merciful God who didn't let my story end there.
Oh... and for the record - I made the honor roll a couple times in high school out of spite because I don't like being told "I can't" and I graduated. I went to college. I have two degrees and graduated with honors. I sent a copy of my Bachelor's degree to the principal who couldn't see what God saw, just to let him know that maybe, just maybe, there are things below the surface that deserve exploring.
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